2019 Musings on Flying Solo vs Alone and Starting Silent Retreats for One

It's what happens every year around this time while I'm out shoveling, doing a blue job. I'm led to contemplate my life and I ask you now to join in my Festivus Wallow aka known as a pity party or a celebration of my  life and accomplishments. Careful navigating this icy path with me; it could go either way. 

I realized exactly eight years ago today I became one; no not born, I guess "born again", baptism by fire into a reluctant world of being divorced, accepting the key to a city I wanted no part of. Some would say single, some would say alone- I guess it depends on my mood. 

And then I realized that now that it is 2019, I would be 59.  Remember when 40 was old and 60 was dead?  Well, I am one year from how-is-this-possible 60 and single.  I still feel like I'm a young pup but with the wisdom we have as we learn to let go, relax and stop judging both ourselves and others. 

Quite honestly it's a little bittersweet seeing others move on in their relationships, get married, take my kids on their vacation while I remain one. Of course I've had opportunities for more relationships but at what cost. Eight years alone, "forced" to become independent and rely only on myself, I have to ask myself if I would like to give up my independence.  I love having the house to myself when it is just me and no guests.  I love eating when I want, staying up til 2 am working or starting on my computer at 5 am.  Do I snore?  Who cares? My married friends all envy my lifestyle and I'm starting to see their point. I still believe the perfect arrangement is a side by side townhouse shared where I get one side and a partner, the other.  It's brilliant.

Perhaps these thoughts happen after yet another first coffee date on New Years and Christmas both  where past relationships always seem to come up and I truthfully answer questions, rehash the lives that used to be. The longer I date, the easier it is to write my version of a dating book..."Dating Expert Advise- Just Do the Exact Opposite of Whatever I'm Doing". Look for it on the best seller bookshelves of Indigo soon.

Over the last eight years I have carved myself a niche into a lifestyle that often fulfills me but a business that is  known too often to close its doors at 5 years due to burnout.  I think that is if you are running it alone and I can see how that is possible.   I've been open 4 1/2 and wonder what the future holds; what will happen next? Will the intuitives of the world be right that it's going to be too small a place for what I want to do? Only time will tell,

Trying out the Chakra glasses

I have a spiritual coven of sisters who support me and would give me the witches hat off their head and their last eye of newt if I needed it. I smile inside as I am surrounded by them once a month, or more if its a good month, and I realize many are at the center because we shared some spiritual interaction first at my place. They are my community, my new family as my old family moves on. We even muse that one day, when all the partners are gone, we will get a community of small houses where we share the duties and kitchen.  

As I move forward, in my heart I do wish my old family well even with them intentionally choosing to not share my path; how dare!. Life goes on, paths diverge and forest grows over the walkways so one is not able to find them again, as doors close forever.

Daughters move away, grand babies who were once the center of your life are now 40 hours away and tiny faces on a tiny phone and the looks on their faces are one of puzzlement and confusion. The heart breaks a little with each call.

Then I lay down for a nap and wake up and the malaise is gone as it always does and I realize in the last eight years it has been phenomenal; I've come a long way baby. Travel and change have been huge.   I have become a confidant and quasi-therapist to many. I have listened to so many in their own fog of sexuality talk for the first time without judgment about coming out, or dabbling, navigating the confusing world of the birds and the bees in times past where no one talked, communicated or shared and experimenting in a freer society. I am not a therapist but  my I have seen lots, more than the average Joe and sometimes all they need is to be heard and talk.

Church at my house

Musical Sound Healing

Celtic House Concert

I've been honored to witness, without judgment, people talking for the first time about their new paths in spirituality, healing and alternative medicines. I've opened my home to so many budding leaders hosting drumming circles, indigenous crafts, energy healing, spiritual coffee shops, creative painting, Tarot, mediums, musical sound healing and spiritual spa days. I've hosted snuggle salons, sex talks after divorce, house concerts, healing with cannabis and non-denominational spiritual church services in my home, often in the same week. Someone said with all the tormented and damaged souls coming through my front door, and there are many, I should smudge but I realize that all of my events keep this a place of healing and warmth and inclusiveness. Strangers comment on it as they walk through the door for the first time and when they come back.

I've had people book Healing Pamper packages so they can get away from the stresses and

torments of their life, after experiencing great losses and upcoming turmoils. They quickly learn that they will be put at ease, can let the stresses go at the door, be listened and leave with a bigger heart,breathing deeply and more relaxed. I love holding space for this.  I think maybe I will forgo the retreats which require lots of rooms and focus more on the individual requiring peace and silence.  (Oh stop rolling your eyes.  I can survive it for a couple of days). Silent Retreats for one or a combination of Silence and Talk- that could work.  

Yes, one door closed a mere eight years ago but so many others opened.  I constantly feel like I am on Lets Make a Deal only I have unlimited doors to choose from.  This is going to be a great year.